Thursday, August 15, 2013

wild



Wild

1
living in a state of nature and not ordinarily tame or domesticated 
2
a : not inhabited or cultivated 
3
a: not subject to restraint or regulation
b : marked by turbulent agitation 
c : going beyond normal or conventional bounds 
d : indicative of strong passion, desire, or emotion 
4.
a: deviating from the intended or expected course
b : having no basis in known or surmised fact 

Wild 
Space.
Wild
Animal.
Wild
Conception.
Wild
Ambition.
Wild 
Truth.

Striking a balance between Buddha's bliss and Kali's destruction, wildness lingers inside of me like a festering, untended wound. She is beginning to ache. 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

primal scream



this is about your animal inside.

do you feel her, him, them, growling?
do you feel them calling?

i feel her. she's present, she's awakening, she's alive and she's raw.

there are instincts, biological, primal instincts that we repress.
i call you to answer them, to listen, to respond, to act upon them.

you are a creature, you are an animal, you are a bear a wolf a hawk a turtle a dog, you are these things and you should not forget that. you are earth, you are sky, you are dirt.

touch your skin and crawl your fingers up your arms, recognize your muscles and your tendons, your joints and your hair, your human.


everything that really matters is ensconced in your skin, your breath, your heartbeat. the breath of the world, my friend, of the literal and physical reality that we are a part of, no questions asked. you have no choice in the matter, you are here. can you leave?

lots of people leave. leave their bodies, leave their minds, leave their earth, leave their wind and their smoke and their pain. we have many tools for the leaving, the escaping, the distracting. we are incredibly, terrifying adept at the process of removing ourselves from our reality, from our insignificance.

from our truth.

there is no denying your flesh.

set your hair on fire, smell it burning. catch a fish from the stream and render its skin with your teeth. be freezing cold and burning hot, be taxed in every sense and see what else you can find. you have more left than you ever knew you did and, of course, it is always and never enough.

we can play our games and trade our papers and the greatest of any of us can be taken out by a rattlesnake just the same.

pay attention to your inner animal, she's talking to you and she has a few things she would like to say. are you capable of listening?


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

engage



This is what I have to say to women, to men, to anyone with a cognitive process, a brain, arms and legs and heart: Use them. All of them. Use them to their full potential, to your best ability, all the time. Use them for good and use them for each other, use them to encourage more laughter in the world, more empathy, more honesty and more life. 

We, as a human species, have a responsibility to turn on our brains, to tune in our bodies, to strengthen our hearts and hands and minds to prepare for a new reality. So many things we have learned, through our nearly catastrophic failures as a species in the past, we have then repeated. From the grand horror of war to the ever present experience of heartbreak,  with every lesson comes a period of remembrance and then an episode of forgetfulness. We have to re-learn our past mistakes with each new generation, sometimes seemingly with each new experience, forever participating in a crazy cycle that has run us to a point of near destruction. 

Your mind, your body and your lifetime upon this planet--those are the greatest tools you, you as one individual person in an unfathomably vast sea of people, you as one tiny, insignificant blip on the timespan of the planet upon which we walk, those are the tools that you were given. And we continue, again and again, to mis-use them, to depress them with fears and social anxieties and bad parenting and astoundingly trivial monetary disputes. Especially distressing is the degree to which women depress their potential with superficial, vain concerns--it is time to accept as fact the experience that when your body, your very vessel of life, is treated with respect and care, it is beautiful. When it is fed properly, exercised, watered and showered with positive attention it will be beautiful, you will be beautiful.  I am assuming that by reading this article you are affluent and lucky enough to be able to provide yourself most of these amenities if you so should decide--America can be an incredibly bountiful land and we are very, very lucky to be living in it. 

Our physical appearance, however, takes up far too much of our time, too much of our brainpower. So many women i know spend a large portion of their young adult to near adult lives nearly obsessing over this image of self--I know I did. An experienced bulimic, I can speak quite frankly on the ills and truths of consuming one's mind with shallow self-loathing. It is a waste of time, an insult to the future and a depression on the past to call yourself anything but beautiful. It is also a feat of incredible bravery to stare into a mirror and speak the words, "lovely."

We have to find a way to expedite our abilities to retain the knowledge of the lessons we learn in our lifetime. With the loss of oral history and family sense, and the amazing disconnects created by our increasingly digitized world, we can learn a lesson and then forget it faster than ever before. Consider the last time you were physically injured. Spend a few seconds dwelling on the sensations of pain, the frustration, the fear. Don't linger too long, but stay long enough to recall the promises that those emotions and physical reactions generated in your person. Promises like, "I will never take my _____ for granted again," or , "from now on, I will avoid leaping before i look," or, "I will pay attention when I am hammering." Easy enough, but how long did those passionate promises last? That freight train of disaster can, of course and with astounding ease, be applied to our relationships--if we aren't obsessing over our looks we are certainly gossiping about our relationships, creating patterns to our story that we do not even recognize and may never escape. 

Unless, we heighten. We take the time and do the work to create patterns of a new design. The brain is a function of patterning--a series of habitual and organic thoughts slung together through a series of incredible feats of anatomical genius. All those neurons firing and muscles twitches and mitochondria mitochrondria-ing just to bring us back around again, full circle? Lets progress from that. The patterns that create your reality can be uplifting or cause you pain--it really is a matter of your perception, of your intention and attitude.

Why are we not accepting, at birth, that we are worthy.  We should be able to rest in that we will have water to drink and food to eat. That we are valuable and possess a certain skill, an individual purpose that is exceptional in its uniqueness. Instead, we flail around for a couple decades, learning all our lessons of humanity that are constantly offered to you on a silver platter by those a few more decades ahead of you that we generally shun in the name of personal experience. And so many of us never get out. So many of us have battles to fight that are so much larger than any of this--abuse, violence, starvation, at least, when they are personally experienced they create a hell-hole of brain patterning that takes an incredible amount of focus and drive to pull oneself out of.

But we see it, everyday. I see it, in myself, everyday. I recognize my strength and admire my insanity. I truly believe that if each one of us, if every person who read this article, starting behaving in a manner where they would acertain to me that their mind and body and heart were engaged, fully, all the time, toward the effort of betterment of the world, in every direction--ecologically, economically, emotionally, physcially---i believe the ripples would spread and the laughter could be heard from the moon. 

We have a responsibility to remember. We have a duty to tune in, to pay attention and to recognize, to evolve within ourselves and create lasting changes that set the world up for greater success. 

I do not want to ruin this planet with sadness, fear and pain. It is an overwhelmingly exquisite place well worth the effort of preservation. 


Saturday, June 9, 2012

breaking my knees for my own good

for a day, pretend as though you dont have functioning knees. i'm serious, its an incredible experience. everything changes--the way you move, the things you need, the emotions you feel. i imagine its the same with any major injury.

but, first, just standing. standing still becomes an entirely new experience. yoga becomes real. my whole life i have been standing with immense pressure on my joints--now, when i experience what it feels like to my swollen, fucked up knees to stand with my shoulders back, my lower back and core muscles engaged, my knees straight and facing forward, chin up, heart open----and it took me a year and a half of intensive yoga practice to realize how these simple, simple motions affect your entire life---now i can feel it.

try to do an entire yoga practice without putting pressure on your knees. if you can avoid this, you will experience engagement in other areas of your body like you have not yet considered. by imagining yourself light from the inside, lifting from your core and forgetting about gravity, you can experience lightness on your entire body. and your knees, your chins, your ankles, your heart...they will all appreciate the relief. relief that you've always been able to provide yourself--ways to make yourself feel better, by yourself and in your own skin. you do have to live in your body, after all. its rather nice if you can enjoy being there.

this has to be the right way to do this---all these lessons from this knee surgery have been incredibly powerful, rich and deep. to slow down, to focus, to love myself. i have been running a million miles an hour away from many things and toward no certainty.

i laugh at myself so much these days. granted, i have only had one week of immobility but, with my intense and rather overworked personality it has felt like a month. rather like the one time i went to jail for three days. that was moooore of enough of THAT shit, for me.

here's what i'm saying.

the things that im learning are not concepts that should be new to me, or anyone. these are the proper ways to live--paying attention to your body, listening to it, feeding it properly and nourishing it. standing up straight. being calm in your mind. doing work that makes you feel fulfilled as a human. letting the people you love in life know that you appreciate them and allowing them to appreciate you back. finding your focus and approaching your aloneness. laughing at yourself. sleeping. sleeping a lot. taking pain medication and putting in earplugs and submitting yourself to total darkness for 13 hours kind of sleeping.

nobody has time for this shit! we're all running around. and i most certainly plan to continue running but, the next time, those things will be a bit more focused, more calm, and more extreme in their allotments of joy and real expression. it is possible to take care of yourself properly on a very basic, daily level--no matter what you do or where you are--and, the best part of all of it is, that you will feel better, all the time. you will feel stronger, more beautiful and more interesting, just by treating yourself properly. i always thought the message of modern yoga, much like modern anything, is much too based in the visual, the appearance. my message for yoga is that yoga, much like life, should be based on acknowledging how it makes you feel, first, before acknowledging how it makes you look. and, fortunately and intriguingly, they are entirely symbiotic concepts. you feel better, you look better. they also cannot survive without the other, they're entire unsustainable as independent thoughts.

so far, there have been parades and antique air shows outside my window. i've been visited by my friends and family and had beautiful conversations with the ones i love who have involved lives somewhere else. i've had offers of financial support through art from a completely astounding amount of individuals from far and wide and i even have a handsome sound guy who comes by and fixes my speakers and sets them up for the perfect audio experience at my ear, couch-high, level.


the splendor of being loved is a bit too much, sometimes. there are so many out there who need love, crave it, search for it. and you gotta give it to yourself, first. what a doozy.

Monday, May 7, 2012



Begin.

You have to roll in the dark to see the light.

We all dance around, flailing our arms and flinging our hearts, and we don't have any answers. No matter who you're looking at, they don't have it figured out. There are days for everyone where your heart falls on the floor and gets stomped on and your brain is a fog of sadness and your body is ugly to you and your  life is one big fuckin crapshoot of shit you dont feel like dealing with; oh hell no i'm not going out there, the world is full of criminals and rapists and pirates and bastards who hurt me! Things are wrong! Things are painful! Things are difficult and I am exhausted. And I don't have any money. Or potential. And I stubbed my toe. And my stomach hurts. And nobody cares about me and my pants ripped and my family is weird and my job is hard and the sun is hot and everyone around me has personality flaws. And, also, it's much easier to sit here and bitch than it is to get up and do something. So fuck it.


We are really, superbly excellent at inventing ways to limit ourselves. As a human situation it may be our truest gift.

Or, anyway, I know I am. Or, have been.

I fall in holes. One day I'll tell you everything is shit and glare at you over the top of my mug of organic, free range chai tea with almond milk and local honey, trying to bring you down to my presumed, laughable level of loathing and darkness. You don't know me, shit is harder than you can possibly imagine. I am unique in my struggle. Hiss.

Yeah, on those days, don't listen to me. I can be a real asshole. I have a lot of practice.

I have lot of practice hating myself, I have a lot of practice with destructive thought and negative patterning. I'm a super good crier, a master of those kinds of sobs that wrack your soul, those ones that simultaneously release you and embarrass you with their raw tonalities---my god, that sound just came out of my body? Quaking in my heartache and fear those sobs of darkness provided me a backdrop in front of which i place laughter. Release. Trust. Joy. The beauty of the here and now and the incredibly simplistic concept of creating one goal in your life and allowing it to guide you--the goal of enjoyment.

Enjoying your life, your body, your friendships, your future, your past. Focusing in on creating things that are truly good and healthy and, basically, having a whole lot of fun. Resting in the notion that you know and trust yourself and that you are beautiful. Resting in the notion that other people are basically good and will not leap out from behind a building and bash you in the head with something, at least not most days. And, when they do, you have been training so long as a sad, angry ninja that you'll finally get your opportunity to release all that, too, when you kick the shit out of that guy. Or, turn the other cheek and learn a lesson or two from the experience, revel in some personal growth. Whatever floats your boat.

It's a lot more difficult to laugh with your whole gut than it is to cry. Both activities will snowball--the more frequently you do anything the easier it becomes--and that's a pretty basic choice. Would you prefer a life where there were more tears of sadness, of doubt and fear and confusion, or more guffaws of hilarity?  Would you rather focus on, in the course of your hours of awareness, the shit in your life that is limiting and annoying or the things that you like to do, the things that bring you joy and peace and bliss?

It's all your perception and its all within your power. Go write a blues song and then join the party. Go chain smoke cigarettes while lying on the floor listlessly pouring over your own destruction and then get the fuck up and stick your stupid face in a flower and breath in really deep. I'm talkin about using your whole lungs here--stick your face in the flower and breathe into your stomach, remind yourself of your diaphragm and huff that delicious flowery, succulent, passionate scent. Then tell me again what's wrong. Raise your hands up in the air and shake your hips from side to side. Real slow like, the first time, don't want to pull a muscle. Then open your mouth. I know, its difficult, multi-tasking like this. Shake your hips and open your mouth and now comes the hard part---sing. While high as a kite on the smell of a flower, shake your hips and open your mouth and sing. Or yell. Or read a food product label out loud. Just open your mouth and make noises with your voice!

Then, tell me how you feel. Tell me how you feel while singing and laughing and sniffing flowers. That feeling, right there, is what makes it worth it, to me, to be alive. What gives me the motion for my potion, baby, the grime for my rhyme.

Be gentle with you.
Breathe into your laughter!







Monday, April 30, 2012




To write.

To express emotions, experiences, thoughts, dreams, doubts fears stories in a literary sense.

To decompress moments into sentences, to apply perception and opinion and to generate solidity.

To write is something powerful. As to speak, as to yell, as to feel, as to vocalize or harmonize or express human capacity for thought on its most sincere levels.

A blank piece of paper, after all, is one of the most exciting things available in this world. 

Your options are limitless.

You could draw a monkey eating papaya from the hand of a goldfish.

You could write a poem.

YOu could perform mathematical acrobatics.

You could soak it in gasoline and light it on fire, fuck this! 

YOu could rewrite that first sentence--one more time work with me--you could draw a monkey eating papaya from the hand of a goldfish….but goldfish don't have hands. Goldfish have fins, you say, this is preposterous. The monkey is clearing eating papaya out of the hand of another monkey, they're brothers. They care about each other and feed each other papaya. They're Rhesus Monkeys. They live in Costa Rica. Its a fine life.

Again.

A monkey eating papaya from the hand of a goldfish because, ah-ha!, this goldfish has grown hands due to radioactive poisoning. The goldfish is no longer your average goldfish, this motherfucker has transcended. He has opposable thumbs, this average bowl-dwelling denizen you acquired from the local carnival. Do not underestimate him. We have a potential evolutionary uprising on our hands--the goldfish, in its hardy tenacity, has been overlooked for years. We haven't even noticed its covert transformation to the top of the food chain. The end of this perception is nigh. Tonight, the goldfish evolve. Tonight, they live to their full potential and climb out of the bowl. ONly to fall on the floor, dead. Cant breathe air, dumbass goldfish. YOu have gills. Sorry mate, better luck next time. INto the toilet with you.

notice the power of words.

do not underestimate this. 

choose wisely, grasshopper!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

the dance of the ages


I see you--the oil painter and the photoshop wizard.  The jazz musician and the virtual DJ. The clarinet and the macbook Pro.

I hear you--the man with the guitar, the lyrics and the voice,  as well as the depth of the bass booming out of the speakers that can never be replicated by that same guitar, the party that never has to stop for human exhaustion, the complexity of sound available in our age.

I feel you--I believe myself to be a representative of a generation on the cusp--we have known both relatively technologically free lives as children as well as completely technologically inundated adult lives, our most formative years. The generation above us plays instruments and struggles to text message. The generation below us knew how to use a computer before they knew how to walk. They abbreviate the english language in expectancy of efficiency, multi-task management, the dull glow of a computer screen imprinted on our faces.

I run the gauntlet. I am giving it my whole-for-all attempt at experience. I am whomp-whomping with the best of them, raging all night to electronic music fueled by extension cords and hallucinogenic drugs. And, at the end of things, I can only hear a banjo. I can hear a mountain stream. I feel the dirt beneath my feet and the people at my side and they always, always take the cake, trump the techno.

As per most everything in life, the dance we perform on the stage of the double-edged sword of technology is similar to the dance we must perform in everything else in life--take it with a grain of salt, maintain your distance and your humanity, and observe its potential to create more beauty, more opportunity, more depth in your life. Acknowledge, also, its potential to strip you of the simple beauty of human interaction, the nit and grit beneath your fingernails, to take you away from a real, direct and truthful human experience and overwhelm you with the grass-is-greener advertisements, fear mongering, subliminal messaging and general thereisjusttoomuchhereicantseeanythinganymore nonsense.

The world is at our fingertips. I have an iphone and, on it, I can research the frog i find underneath a leaf in a field on the side of a mountain without carrying pounds of field guides in my backpack. I can look up words that i don't recognize and perserve the  the alarmingly homogenized English language.
I can see pictures of all my loved ones, my soul mates who are spread out all over the world, and I can instantaneously share experiences and emotions on a whole new level. It is a beautiful thing, it is efficient and intelligent and exciting and, lets fucking face it people, could all disappear at any given instant.

A hologram of Tupac rapping onstage at Coachella.
A recording of Bob Dylan reading poetry.
Creating a photograph on a computer screen, fingers flying body still dancing.
Creating a photograph in a dark room, chemical scents, body motion, a dance in the dark, sensory exposure.
Body still.
Body moving.
Heart still.
Heart moving.
To all things there is something beautiful.
Use caution, grant time.
Keep your head, know whats real.
your hands
your feet
the land
the sky
the sea
your heart and your
soul.









It is the modern age. I leap into her with skeptical arms and a appalachian upbringing.

"get your head out of the clouds and your feet back in the dirt my friend."
-Devil Makes Three