love

There is nothing i am capable of doing but sitting back and oogling at the incredible amount of absolutely rich and astounding humans who fill my life.

I say, damn.

And, having recently re-dedicated myself to the concepts of true and boundless love i am literally overwhelmed by the reciprocation i recieve from all these people, these crazy loons whom i am blessed and wholly humbled to know. You love me and I love you and sometimes the only exhaustion i feel is trying to understand how in the hell I'm going to have enough love inside me to go around, because you guys just don't stop. There's never an end to the capacity of awesomeness inside the human spirit, never an end to the train of marvelous individuals with integrity and light who will cross my path as i ramble onward across the face of this reality.

I could write it all over my face. Hell, i could almost tattoo it on my face but, don't worry mom, i'm not going to---THANK YOU. thank you all.

I've come into this period of life--i can unabashedly recognize that the reason i am accepted and supported by all of these people who i am thrilled to associate with is because I put love out there, because I live a life of strength and truth and bravery, or at least strive to, and so that's reflected in the relationships i keep. I do believe, though, that i'm beginning to walk down new roads where my relationships are able to deepen, widen, expand and contract with new grace and depth that might even blow my own mind.

Its a truly thrilling place, the future. Let's all try to envision it that way. Because, the only hope i've got is that, if enough of us can see a bright day ahead then, one day, it will be so.

an old favorite of mine:

be the change you wish to see in the world.

humans are limitless, vast and

late night airport musings

i've slept for two hours and i am not tired. my nose and brain are full of snot and i don't feel sick; my future is full of unanswered questions and i am greeted by a flooding surge of enthusiasm, fearlessness, certain joy. it is all....level. calm. ecstatically at peace. I have earned this voyage and i will not hamper, hinder nor affect it with sadness, shame, selfish doubts. many of my past journeys were colored with markers of these shades.

not this one.


to be called to a life of greatness is to shrug the shudderings of the weak and frightened mind. illumination, healing, laughter, raw and whole forthwith expression of self. this is real!

its so easy to utter forth convenient cliches of life; phrases and utterances that fill the pages of self-help books and yoga classes. now, go out and find your way to live them, to make dangerous and honest choices and take risks and live from your heart and discount doubt.

we are all capable of our own personal nirvana--achieving our own status of bliss. it just depends on how we define it.

the rat race has begun long before your legos snapped into place. they haven't been waiting for you. the man who drove me here has cancer from agent orange exposure while serving in vietnam and our country will not give him health insurance. death and dysfunction trail their rickety fingers dwon the spines of anyone willing to lay down in their beds. they are desperate for your company and they will warm your flesh and leave you panting; empty and careening downward, head attached but heart somewhere in left field. you'll have to sprint like hell to retrieve that throbbing son of a bitch before the vultures swoop.

its no joke, choosing joy.
what do you hear when you're left with no sounds
what do you see when all becomes dark.
who and why the fuck are you?
envision a different reality
a collective conciousness of those who have fallen and chosen again!
we may be pointless but we do exist.

material things

i'm packing for my trip.

i do believe 2006 was the last legitimate time i lived solely out of a backpack....i have been spoiled by sailboats, cars, houses.

it is difficult fitting your ambitions into a pack.

which makes me wonder.

i look around this house i have rented; mattresses with fleece sheets, ponies made of plastic and skulls of bone, costumes, photographs, animal hides, brass lamps, leather jackets, six pairs of shoes, art collections...my eyes google outward and i realize! i am rich!

rich! goddamn filthy, beautifully rich! look at all my shiny, wondrous treasures!

take note of what you have and be grateful. look around you, take stock. you and i are so damn blessed.

its incredible, and its a strange presence in myself that i have never really wanted to do be completely without my material goods. i have carted some crazy bullshit to the ends of the earth and back again. i dont look forward to amassing it all again and, somehow, owning things gives me great joy. my things that i treasure, of course, may be different from the average joe. i'm not talkin flat screen televisions here, folks.

i guess what i'm trying to say is

1. realize what you've got and praise it.

2. be aware that its all just stuff. consider what would happen if you lost it all and make sure it wouldn't hurt too bad. you still carry everything you need within your own body and, on a whole other topic, you should treat that temple with the greatest respect and attention humanly possible. its the only one you have and you can't get another one. at least not yet. beep boop bip!

fear

i would like to talk about this, the concept of fear. that little white noise that wells up inside of you whenever you encounter something in your world that makes you uncomfortable, uneasy, queasy wheezy otherwise disconcerted. why? what is it that you're scared of, exactly? how true is it? how long have you been shoving it aside, accepting it as part of your person?

i have made a sincere effort in my life to approach and engage every fear i have. between the concepts of engaging and facing fears and, my new years resolution, being as honest as humanly possible with myself and others i have a lot on my plate as i head into this next stage of life.

but, do i?

shouldn't those two concepts be things that are innate to us all? how deeply have we been programmed to disregard our fears and to shy away from our honest, raw selves?

we're all just fucking human.

we're all fucking beautiful and we're all totally flawed.

we break things and fuck up and take shits and sing off key and eat too many cookies.

fuck it.

i'm really awkward. it has taken me until the age of 25 to finally feel absolutely at home in my own skin, and this is thanks, in no small part, to all the shenanigans in my life that have occurred and literally forced me to face my fears, my demons, my humanity. from sailing a boat across oceans to thrashing around like a fool in deep intense love, i have knocked on the door of most every corridor of my heart. she answered. she smells like woodsmoke.

and now, through concepts like true self-acceptance and practices like the absolutely soul-bearing and heart-opening practice of Yoga, i have found that i have very little left to fear, and that most of the things that i do fear are rather irrational and definitely approachable.

boomshakalaka.

its uplifting, its inspiring, its energizing, its soulful its fun. its realizing you're not as important as you think you are yet, simultaneously, you're everything. you are all and you are nothing. there is so much that is left uncertain. what else is there but to approach your life with an open heart and fearless soul? and ain't it just the swellest feeling, let me tell you.

here's a fun list of things i can think of, offhand, that i'm afraid of today.

wolves with glowing red eyes

being trapped in a small space

being poor forever

being alone forever

that everything, perhaps, is useless.

not being able to provide for the people i love

not being good enough

midgets

the ocean

i bet you're afraid of lots of the same things. i bet your fears ebb and pulse like the very earth we walk upon. i bet you're more afraid some days than others, sometimes totally inexplicably.

so what.

so what i fear all those things. so what if they do happen? what if they happen ALL AT ONCE. imagine if i die alone trapped in a small box with a red-eyed midget wolf in the middle of the ocean while my loved ones die of starvation and poverty all the while they're making fun of me behind my back because goddamn if i didn't just go and put myself in that box, didn't i.

shift your perception. screw with your own concepts of what's up and what's down.

what if that midget wolf and i end up having a good conversation.

what if everyone loves you.

what if the whole world supported you because you were living for your passion and leading with your heart.

what if you keep getting the shit end of the stick but you never give up cause you're brave and you're awesome and you're the only you.

yeah, those things are better than midget wolves.

passion trumps fear.

passion jumps up and down on top of fear, laughing hysterically, thrilled in its only body and its only life.

passion wears a pinstriped top hat and enjoys vanilla ice cream in the shade.

its never too late to have a happy childhood

-tom robbins.

schedule of events

upcoming show! a menagerie of excitement!

Fly: from San Francisco to West Palm Beach the 22nd of January, midnight flight.

Enjoy: the company of Brenna Bean and family. tattoo.

Drive: southbound to the weirdest place i'll ever call home; Key West.

Enjoy: all you crazy conchs.

Await: the arrival of s/v Judy Ann and its steadfast Captains Meghan and Stefan

Depart: When the weather is right, sail to the Rio Dulce, Guatemala for http://diysailboatmeetup.blogspot.com/

Bus it: to Costa Rica for http://envisionfestival.com/envision/

Enjoy: the company of a veritable onslaught of wonderous, magical beings from across the country company converging in the jungle for one event.

Stay: until i would like to leave.

Return: to Mckinleyville for the duration of my lease. July.

there you have it.